Where everybody knows your name

Thoughts from a small town in Shropshire

As people of a certain vintage will remember this line from one of the best American TV series of all times Cheers" it was the follow-up strap line and I was thinking about this when I was walking back from my local town in Shifnal.

I walk down in the morning to get my hair cut at the local barber. I've been going there now for about 10 years and he always knows who I am cause me by my first name or without resorting to a CRM system.

Imagine now, that you are in a large town or a city and go to a barber there, what are the chances that he or she actually knows who you are? How you like your haircut in my barber's case he just knows.

My wife jokes, that I can go in at 9 o'clock and he's finished cutting my hair at 9:05, though he does extend it by about another five minutes so that we can chat and talk about current affairs and how our lives are going.

After that, I walked down to a local café. I've been there a few times but then knew who I was and I ordered a bacon and egg sandwich and a cup of espresso coffee to wash it down with the service as always was friendly as if you mattered as a customer.

How many times have we been in large coffee shops and you're just a name written on the back of a coffee cup and a nothing more to them than just a fleeting transaction. After I'd finished with my breakfast, I walked across the street to my local butcher hello Mr Trickett how are you? A few pleasantries followed and then I picked up a few things that I wanted and then walked back home.

In a small town, life can be idealised, but as we know from many films like ‘Bad Day at Black Rock’ sometimes small towns can have a dark side.

However, I'm pleased to say that in Shifnal it's people by and large get concerned around change for example about a new way of dealing with the traffic in the town centre or the number of potholes on the roads around the town. When you don’t have the worries of a city then smaller problems seem bigger in ones minds

Sandy and I have now lived here for just over 11 years but the one thing that I've absolutely noticed is the difference between a small town and a large city. People are willing to engage with you and chat and actually seem to bother about you. They also look up at you I always remember being in New York and I was looking up at the wonderful architecture and then noticed people looking either at their phones or looking down at the pavement.

​A few years ago I was in London and I was a little bit early to get into the Arup office so decided to go for a coffee just round the corner from the office. I ordered a coffee and a Danish pastry and was asked to sit down at a table and it would be brought over to me.

After a wait of a few minutes, the waitress came over and handed me my coffee and pastry. I thanked her and she honestly looked like somebody had hit her with a lightning bolt. She turned to me and she said you're not from London are you? I said no I live up in Shropshire and I'm down for the day. She said to me you can tell and I said ‘how's that’ thinking maybe my accent was giving me away. She said ‘you said thank you’.

I said ‘really, don't people know manners anymore.

She gave me a very sad smile as to say no they don't ’and then said it out loud.

I drank my coffee and went on my way to the office. I felt a bit sad actually, because I thought manners cost nothing but mean everything to the recipient especially those who are providing a service.

But then again she probably deals with a lot of customers who are always very busy and they probably use that excuse to lack manners.

I've noticed this trend to incivility before and I've written about it in the past but in Shifnal noticing service is given and received with a sense of pleasure.

I've seen this in the largest cities more and more and I've noticed that peoples response to these lack of manners is far more muted.

I realise sometimes that people get frustrated because of issues and the feeling of poor service.

One of the supposed strengths of the English was our ability to wait in a queue with a degree of patience. However, I've seen this where people grow impatient and they take it out on the staff that then tend to use swear words as if that will make the situation proceed any quicker.

Nowadays people, I think are scared to get involved especially in some of the cities as you're as likely to get your face punched or even worse with some form of offensive weapon such as a knife. I’ve often wondered if people have their headphones on so that they can cocoon themselves from the ugliness of the world around them

But have a thought about this, and think about how each little acceptance of this lack of civility chips away at the veneer of civilisation and how we live with each other.

Manners I think were designed as a rule to help people live with one another when villages became towns and towns beget cities

Taking it forward to its ultimate degree and seeing what's happening in the polity in the UK (and I suspect if I was speaking to colleagues in America the same) The erosion of democracy tend to begin with the steady dismantling of these seemingly unimportant rituals. One could argue the erosion of civilisation can also begin with that quiet collapse of manners.

The motto of Winchester school is “Manners maketh Man’ (as can be seen in the film Kingsman) sometimes it’s now derided as a instruction to ‘watch your privilege’ but manners and living with each other are also the foundations of civilisation.

I was reading a comment by a etiquette expert where he warned that a normalisation of aggression can be fostered emerging from the decay of everyday politeness, kindness and decency.

There is increasingly a rise in public profanity which has desensitised us to the use of them that they become normal Going back to the 1980’s and watching videos, my mother if there were more than 3 times that the F word was used would ask for the film to be switched off (in fact my dad never let it get that far. He just turned it off. It was a standing joke with our video store as to whether a film was suitable for Mrs Trickett.

So if you want everyone to ‘know your name’ take one conscious small step and start to say’ Thank you’ to people around you who provide you with a service. Then watch their face beam as they appreciate that little piece of courtesy.

Also if you can look to frequent the smaller shops in your area and chat to the owners. They will get to know you and you them and will look after you better than in a large warehouse. It will also be more pleasurable than just being an algorithm suggesting you purchase X or Y. In a small independent shop they will be able to give you a more customised service.

I’ve always liked the Japanese concept of ‘omotenashi’ I’ve taken the following definition below

‘While ‘omotenashi’ may translate best as ‘hospitality’, its true meaning is far deeper and more detailed.

Omotenashi is a way of life in Japan, focussed on always providing the best service and hospitality despite receiving nothing in return. You can experience omotenashi across the service industry, from the shop workers who bow to welcome the first customers of the day when a department store opens in the morning.’

In finality, remember the message around ‘Chesterton’s Fence’

This principle cautions against dismantling established systems, rules, or traditions without first understanding their original purpose. It suggests that what may seem unnecessary or outdated could have an important function that isn’t immediately obvious. The concept encourages thoughtful inquiry and respect for the reasoning behind existing structures before making changes.